This post would be a really long one if I went back over the past 12 weeks. If I told you about the daily vomiting, the never-ending nausea, the dizziness, weakness and weight gain. I was really miserable for 7 weeks. My first trimester was awful. All I could stomach to cook was Beefaroni or plain pasta with butter and Parmesan. I couldn’t look in my fridge, empty the dishwasher, put garbage in the garbage can, or open my pots and pans cupboard without gagging or throwing up.
Now that I am 16 weeks, and taking Diclectin, I am happy to report that the nausea and vomiting has been replaced with back pain. I’d gladly take back pain over throwing up any day. I’m finally happy (again) about being pregnant, because the truth is, when I was really sick, I was not. Add to that all the emotions you feel and I was a mess. A mess. Seriously. I called Matthias crying almost every day. He had no idea what to say or do to make me feel better and really there was nothing he could do. I felt so misplaced. Like someone took my body and changed who I was and I felt lost and alone and sad and tired and sick.
Phew, glad to be over that one. I never imagined pregnancy kicking my ass like it has. But I suppose everyone goes through it differently. And then there is the guilt. Because before I was pregnant, all I wanted was to be pregnant, and then I was, and for the first 6 weeks it was awesome, and then from week 6-13 all I wanted was to never, ever feel like I was feeling again. Of course I was excited about the fact that I am growing a little human, but I didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling.
So I’ve thought about saying goodbye to this space. Because I feel like my life is moving in a direction away from it. It isn’t a bad thing, it isn’t a sad thing, it just is. Not to mention I always wanted to blog about my pregnancy and then when I was feeling like complete shit the last thing I wanted to do was blog about it.
But now, as pregnancy has made me the most indecisive woman in the world, I’m not sure what I want to write, or talk about, or if I even want to say anything at all.
So I guess I wanted to let you know I am here, and I am better now, and I am 16 weeks pregnant and we get to find out if it’s a boy or a girl in 18 days. Matthias and I are so excited for this adventure ahead of us.