Quinn is 2 months old today! How!? Two months also marks her first set of immunizations It makes me really sad that Quinn has had to be poked so many times in her short life. She had 6 different IV sites during her NICU stay with multiple attempts at each one, as well as having her blood drawn twice and her heel pricked for her Newborn Metabolic Screen. I feel so so so much mother guilt for not being with her for those hurtful times. I really hope the NICU nurses cuddled her close when they were done. Today I was able to feed her during the needles (although she didn’t want to keep eating after they went in because the hurt!) and I really hope it made a difference to how it felt for her. Poor girl. She’s not feeling too good today so I didn’t get a chance to take 2 month photos but I will try tomorrow to get her update post done! Meanwhile, I’ll talk about myself.
I’m going to be frank here. People ask “Is it everything you thought it would be?” And my answer is No.
No, it is nothing like I thought. I was not prepared for the challenges these first few months have thrown at me. I was not prepared to have a baby that cried every time I put her down. And by cry, I mean scream bloody murder – continuously – until I pick her back up. I was not prepared for the residual mother guilt I feel now for not being with her all the time in the NICU. Granted, I only went home two times during the 6 days, for about half and hour each time, and the only other time I left was to sleep or eat, but it still makes me feel sick to my stomach that I left her alone. Did I cause her colic? Was not being there for her the cause of all of this crying? No wonder she cries so much with the start to life she had.
Does motherhood make me feel so fulfilled? Again, I have to say No. Most days it leaves me floundering. Most days I feel like I’m barely treading water. More days than not I feel completely and utterly swallowed up by motherhood, and like I have lost this gigantic chunk of my identity. I definitely think Quinn’s colic plays into this. I see pictures on social media of smiling baby’s, happy baby’s, baby’s that are just chill doing whatever. My daughter? Not so much. My time is spent trying to get her to nap (a struggle), or trying to keep her calm (a struggle). I get maybe 15 minutes during her awake time where she is happy and content and cooing. I get maybe 5 or 6 smiles a day, and most of them are first thing in the morning. I love Quinn, I know there is a happy little soul somewhere in there, but right now? I don’t love being a Mother. And that just adds to the never ending mother guilt I feel.
On a positive note, I’m over the initial resentment I felt towards Matthias. That feels good. We also discussed switching off in the evenings – He takes the monitor Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and I take the monitor Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and we alternate Sunday’s. That way, if she cries or is having a difficult time going to sleep we can switch up who deals with it because previously it was all me and I would get so frustrated that I would end up having to leave the house for an hour just so I could get away from the crying.
I guess what I am saying is that I am ready to have a happy baby. Quinn is over 8 weeks old now and this has been going on since about week 2/3. I realize that colic isn’t gone until about 4 months, so please cross your fingers that it eases up a little bit for us.
I wish that I would have been able to work out more since my last entry, but with inconsistent napping and a lack of energy/motivation in the evenings, it has been hard. I’m incorporating more yoga back into my life (and goodness, I have missed it!) which feels great, but I have yet to get out for a run, or take a fitness class. I’m signed up for Mom and Baby Yoga.. but in true Quinn fashion she isn’t a fan so I spend most of the class trying to keep her from bursting the person/baby’s ear drums next to us.
I’ve been consistently losing weight and fueling my body with mostly healthy foods. I’m not really keeping track of the total poundage gone, but I have a goal range in mind for where I would like my weight, so as long as the scales keep going down I will be happy. Hopefully now that we are working on a better nap routine I will be able to actually workout more and maybe start to tone?
Breastfeeding is going good! We still mainly have to do side lying so she doesn’t choke/swallow a gallon of air, but since we are home most of the time this isn’t a problem.
- This month’s adventure will be hopefully trying out childcare at the gym. Fingers crossed for us! Any tips or wisdom?
- How do new mothers go without caffeine? My kid sleeps fairly good at night and I was still a miserable bee eye tee see ayche when I tried to cut it out.
- You know how I talked about how I would never buy another wrap because I spent so much money on the one I already had? Yea…. I get it now. I totally get the Uppy Craze. I’m getting a custom made Prairie Midwives wrap to add to my collection and I’m hoping to get an Uppy Ring Sling one day too. I love baby wearing. It has saved whatever shreds of sanity I have left.