Pregnancy Weight Gain

I finally bit the bullet.

I weighed myself this morning at 39 weeks pregnant.

Having a midwife, I didn’t have to track my weight at my appointments if I didn’t want to, as long as my other numbers where in check (blood pressure and fundal height). I’ve always measured 1-2cm behind my current week (at my 39 week appointment I was measuring 37cm), and my blood pressure has hovered around the 90-110/60-75 mark.

When I was so nauseous in the first trimester, I literally ate every two hours. And I will be the first to acknowledge the choices I made were often more unhealthy than healthy. I couldn’t stand the sight of salad, vegetables, and most fruit besides bananas. I wanted carbs, cheese, and more carbs. I was sick for 7 weeks straight. During this time, I did weigh myself a few times. And I felt sad at the numbers I saw because they were very much more than I was supposed to be gaining during my first trimester.

I stopped weighing myself at the 15 week mark with the permission of my midwife because the number I saw did play on my emotions. It didn’t constantly effect me, it didn’t make me want to restrict or binge, but it did play on my self esteem. And that was something I didn’t want to have on my mind during the pregnancy. I wanted to focus on being as healthy as I could within my means to foster the baby’s growth. I didn’t want a silly number to make me feel bad about growing my child. I wanted to, and decided to trust my body to do what it needed to and to gain the weight it was supposed to.

Seeing the number that I saw this morning was… well, not nice. It was definitely more than they recommend you gain in a pregnancy. But it wasn’t earth shattering. It didn’t send me into a depressed state or cry “Woe is Me”. It didn’t make me regret eating McDonalds or drinking all the Tim Horton’s Iced Capps I could get my hands on during the first 14 weeks. It did make me think that maybe it would have been different if I had started taking the Diclectin earlier? Would I have been able to eat vegetables instead of Beefaroni and toast? Would I have kept up more thoroughly with my exercise routine? Continued Yoga every day? Taken more group fitness classes? Would the weight gain have been significantly less if I could have eaten more normally and wasn’t pretty much confined to my bed or the couch for almost 2 months? Those are things I can’t know, because I can’t go back and see. Maybe it would have ended up with the same number on the scale. It’s hard to say.

It did make me very grateful for my husband. My sweet husband who worked away and came home every few weeks probably thought on more than one occasion “Wow” at my changing size. But he never let on to it. He never said anything to make me feel bad, much less to be acutely aware that I looked so starkly different. He touched my belly and said I didn’t look as pregnant as other women who were as far along as I was. He never once made me feel like my pregnant shape was any less desirable than my pre-pregnant shape. Whenever I did let on that I wasn’t feeling super awesome about my body he told me he thought I was beautiful and when I said “I won’t be this size forever” he said it didn’t matter what size I was. How did I get so lucky?

It also made me grateful for my kind friends who all said with sincere enthusiasm “You look great!” and to the people who still don’t 100% realize I am pregnant and say “Oh you can hardly tell!” I honestly don’t get it, and I don’t quite believe it. They are probably just being polite, or they think I’ve gotten insanely fat in a short amount of time, which makes me kind of chuckle. But that is besides the point.

The point I guess I am trying to make is that it is okay that I have gained this weight. I’ve never weighed as much as I weigh now before. None of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit, and probably won’t fit for months after I actually have the baby. My level of fitness is nothing like it was before I was pregnant. But I’ve spent the last 39 weeks letting my body do the coolest thing it has ever done. And I’ve found a way to trust it like I never have before. Those are both priceless life lessons. And there is no place for body shame or weight shame in that. There is only room for love. Love for my body, which has worked so hard to grow my daughter, and love for my daughter, who I hope with all my heart will grow up to love her own body.

 

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2014 in Review; Flexibility

Well I, for one, can’t believe it is already going to be a new year. 2014 seemed to fly by! I have to say, it has 100% been my most favorite year yet. I know I stepped away from the blog world a bit for most of it, but in doing so, I created some great memories, a baby (which is still being created 😉 ) and I learned a whole lot about myself and my happiness.

I picked the word Flexibility for 2014, and in doing so, prioritized 3 goals, including physical flexibility, financial flexibility, and emotional flexibility.

fallenangel Physical

Much of the first half of 2014 was spent on the “Physical” aspect of increasing my flexibility. I let go of my gym membership and crossfit membership and bought an unlimited Yoga pass at a local studio. In March, I participated in a Yoga Instagram Challenge. I signed up for Yoga Teacher Training, at Yandara, and wrote about it in 3 parts (Here, Here, and Here). Yandara really was a life changing experience for me. I came out of it feeling physically and emotionally centered, something that is hard to achieve in our go-go-go society. From January to July, my physical flexibility increased a lot. It’s hard to quantify, but I was able to do yoga postures I had only dreamed about doing before. And it felt really good. Then things took a turn when my nausea and vomiting started. I fell off the yoga band wagon pretty hard, and have yet to find my way back to it. All in all though, that is okay, because by letting go of my physical flexibility I was able to focus more on my emotional flexibility.

andmEmotional

Emotionally, I think things started to turn around when I spent my time at Yandara. After that, I was ready to let go of the control I was trying to have over getting pregnant, and instead, just focus on living. Well surprise, surprise, I got pregnant a mere 2 weeks after returning home. This in turn led me through an emotional release so-to-speak. I had all of these expectations and assumptions about being pregnant. How I would feel, what I would do and not do, what I would eat, how I would look. Pregnancy has been the single biggest wake up call of my life. I have realized with great certainty, that planning is a feeble thing, and I am only safe to believe that none of my plans will ever go, well, as planned haha. I was sick and miserable. I felt emotionally torn about becoming a mother when I didn’t “have” a mother, and for a bit, I felt a little bit lost. I’ve worked hard on overcoming this hurdle, accepting things as they are, and acknowledging that in protecting my physical health, I am also protecting my emotional health. I am so looking forward to being a mother, to loving the little girl who made me so sick at first, and whose flips and punches and kicks make my heart already feel like it can’t fit in to my chest.

babykFinancial

Well….. this is probably the one I slacked off most in. I indulged this year on more than one occasion. I went to Mexico for Yoga Training, then again in December for a Vacation. I went to Germany, and to Switzerland. I took a Graduate level course through a very expensive online school, and I plan to continue taking more of them in the new year. Matthias bought a Motorcycle. I purchased a lot of furniture for my house, and I hired cleaners to come in and clean for me. I payed for prenatal yoga that I never attended. Oops. I did manage to pay off my credit card, and lower my credit limit by over half. I also managed to help pay off one of our time shares and pay down the other one by half. I know. Who in their right mind gets TWO time shares? My husband and I apparently. So I suppose all was not lost in this arena, but it definitely could have gone better.

We still have some grand plans to pay down our line of credit by half before the baby comes, but now with trying to finish our basement and our plumbing going to shit (literally.) I am not sure if we will accomplish this by March!

sunrise

Pregnancy is Hard.

feetSo I have thought a lot over the past 2 months about what I want to say in this space. Recently, I decided what I wanted to say was “goodbye for now,” but now I am not so sure.

This post would be a really long one if I went back over the past 12 weeks. If I told you about the daily vomiting, the never-ending nausea, the dizziness, weakness and weight gain. I was really miserable for 7 weeks. My first trimester was awful. All I could stomach to cook was Beefaroni or plain pasta with butter and Parmesan. I couldn’t look in my fridge, empty the dishwasher, put garbage in the garbage can, or open my pots and pans cupboard without gagging or throwing up.

Now that I am 16 weeks, and taking Diclectin, I am happy to report that the nausea and vomiting has been replaced with back pain. I’d gladly take back pain over throwing up any day. I’m finally happy (again) about being pregnant, because the truth is, when I was really sick, I was not. Add to that all the emotions you feel and I was a mess. A mess. Seriously. I called Matthias crying almost every day. He had no idea what to say or do to make me feel better and really there was nothing he could do. I felt so misplaced. Like someone took my body and changed who I was and I felt lost and alone and sad and tired and sick.

Phew, glad to be over that one. I never imagined pregnancy kicking my ass like it has. But I suppose everyone goes through it differently. And then there is the guilt. Because before I was pregnant, all I wanted was to be pregnant, and then I was, and for the first 6 weeks it was awesome, and then from week 6-13 all I wanted was to never, ever feel like I was feeling again. Of course I was excited about the fact that I am growing a little human, but I didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling.

So I’ve thought about saying goodbye to this space. Because I feel like my life is moving in a direction away from it. It isn’t a bad thing, it isn’t a sad thing, it just is. Not to mention I always wanted to blog about my pregnancy and then when I was feeling like complete shit the last thing I wanted to do was blog about it.

But now, as pregnancy has made me the most indecisive woman in the world, I’m not sure what I want to write, or talk about, or if I even want to say anything at all.

So I guess I wanted to let you know I am here, and I am better now, and I am 16 weeks pregnant and we get to find out if it’s a boy or a girl in 18 days. Matthias and I are so excited for this adventure ahead of us.

Yandara Yoga Part Dos

Our mornings started bright an early at 6:30am. I would wake up at 5:45, brush my teeth, eat a piece of fruit, and unroll my yoga mat. From 6:30 – 9:00 am we would do a mixture of meditation/asana. We had 3 teachers that rotated teaching our morning class, Sara, Nicolina, and Christopher. Sara’s classes were my favorite because of her teaching style and the way she structured her flow. I always left feeling full of energy. Nicolina would always do 30 minutes of meditation/mantra followed by 2 hours of asana. She focused on building the class up to a peak pose. Christopher’s classes were fun and challenging. He would include free dance and cardio. One morning we went for a silent walk up a mountain to watch the sunrise. Another morning we did a wicked partner yoga class!

9:00 – 9:45 was breakfast in silence.

9:45 – 12:30 we did philosophy workshops, and learned physical asana assists and pose breakdown. I really enjoyed learning the different assists! There are a lot ways to help people get deeper into the poses that I didn’t know about.

12:30 – 2:00 was Lunch and a break. During the break I would read, go to the beach, or just hang out. I also got a couple massages and an astrology reading during this time.

2:00 – 4:00 was practice teaching. We started practice teaching the first day! We worked our way up from teaching a Warm up to teaching a full 70 minute private class to someone. I taught my class to Beth. I really liked doing the private teaching thing and it was fun learning about Beth and her dog Mugs :)

At 4:00pm I would have another piece of fruit. And until 6:00pm we would either continue to learn about the postures or we would have a Satya. Satya, in the nicest way possible, is a “truth circle.” This translates to a circle of crying and tears haha. Christopher would go around the circle and ask us questions like how we were feeling, what we thought of being a part of the group, and what we thought of the people in our group. On our final Satya we walked to an old Fig Tree. It was so beautiful and big. The tree was too old to produce figs, but Christopher brought along dried figs so we had a snack and shared our thoughts about our experience. I didn’t make it a single Satya without crying. #BigSurprise

At 6:00pm we ate Supper and after that is usually when I would shower. The showers were “out door” in the sense that they had no roof, but they were still enclosed little stalls. It was neat showering like that. Not neat when a spider would crawl onto your towel, or a fire ant on your foot, but that’s beside the point.

At 7:30 we started Satsang. We did a lot of different things during Satsang. Most nights we would do some singing and chanting, one night we did a really long, heavenly Savasana. Another night Bolo told us the story of Hanuman. We did this circle thing one night that was really special. Another night we got to play the Harmonium and practice making the singing bowls sing. We even had a dance competition one night where we broke up into groups and had to create a dance routine with yoga moves. It was nice to get to spend some time with the group of 26 day people. We ended up giving each group a name – The 16 Day group became the “Devi’s” which I think means Goddess? and the 26 Day group became the Lotus Balms.

After Satsang it was bedtime, aside from the night a group of us went out to the Beach. We talked about a lot of philosophical stuff and then the tide came over the sand bank and we all got scared haha. Lanly took a bunch of photos that night but they all disappeared which was strange!

Sundays were our “Rest” Day. We got to sleep in an extra hour! It was pretty glorious. We went to a class with Bolo and April for an hour and then ate breakfast. From 9 – 12:30 we learned about 2 topics, 1 weekend we learned about Anatomy and the other weekend we learned about Yin. At 12:30 we took the shuttle into town, Todos Santos, which was about a 20 minute drive away. The first Sunday a bunch of us went into town and we went to a local Vegan Place called Pura Vida. They had the most delicious Chocolate Avocado Pie that a Chocolate and Avocado loving girl could have. Especially for a girl who hadn’t eaten chocolate in a few days! After Pura Vida we went to a Mexican place to grab some lunch and did a bit of Shopping. We only had until 3:30 pm and then it was back to Yandara for a class from 4 – 6. At 6 was supper and then at 7:30 we watched a Yoga Movie. I skipped the movie the one week and opted for some extra sleep.

The 2nd Sunday a group of girls went to a local surf beach, Los Cerritos, for some surfing lessons! I was planning to go and hang out on the beach, but the day before I got the worst sun burn of my life. Like seriously. Sun scorched on every part of my body that was not covered by my bikini. I had the chills, a fever, and at one point I felt faint. Tylenol really helped. I may have layed out in the sun too long. Ok, I definitely layed out in the sun for too long. In fact, I’m still peeling on my calves. #Gross Anyways. Because of the Sun Burn from Hell, I opted to go into town again and ate lunch at THE Hotel California with my girl Bri, and then ate some more chocolate avocado pie. Then I got an iced latte. Possibly the best Iced Latte I have ever had.

Our days at Yandara were full. Full of acceptance, yoga, learning, fun, laughter, sometimes tears, and most importantly love.

Part Uno

Part Tres