Life is About to get Crazy (again)

Hey! Hi! Hello.

It feels like it has been a loooong time since I have done a legitimate post. Has it been? I don’t really know. :) Guess life has kept me pretty busy. I’ll just do a quick update and be on my way then!

Eating/Healthy Living – I’ve been just “Okay” in this department recently. I know I need to get my butt in to gear and somewhat get myself off of sugar/coffee because I am pretty sure they don’t serve both those things in Yandara 😉 Lord help me.

I have also been tossing around the idea of trying to lose a bit of the emotional weight that I gained back a year ago. When I first lost the weight I became so obsessed and fearful of what would happen if I gained it back.

Well, I gained some of it back. But I also worked through a lot of the emotional issues that were underlying my struggle with weight loss/weight gain/weight maintenance. And you know what? I survived. Actually, I would say I am “thriving” now. I’ve maintained my weight for close to a year now (hovering around 160lb – sometimes above that, sometimes below that). I don’t weigh myself too often because I don’t really see a point, but I am interested in lowering my weight by about 20lb to bring me to 140ish. I feel like that is a very sustainable weight for me in terms of balancing healthy eating and exercise. Unfortunately I have a sneaky suspicion that the amount of chocolate and other sweets I eat is preventing me from getting there and instead just letting me hover where I am at.

I don’t have too much of a plan in place as of yet, but I do plan on decreasing the amount of sugar that I am eating and hopefully that will in turn lower my weight. I am 100% aware of the reasons why I became obsessive and super restrictive before, and I can confidently say those issues do not effect me at this time. I also know how to handle them if/when then do poke their heads out, and I feel good about finally (maybe) bringing my weight down just a bit over a longer period.

Yoga – I am signed up for a 40 day Yoga Challenge at the Breathing Room, which for me is actually a 36 day Yoga Challenge because I am going away to Yoga School in 33 days (Holy Shit.). I have been working on my form and alignment for a lot of poses as well as working on sanskrit names and yogic philosophy. I am equal parts excited and nervous.

Work – BUSY. Wowwza. I have 2 Conferences/Meetings in May in Edmonton, then I go away for 18 days for Yoga School, then I come home for a day and then go away for a 4 day Nursing conference in Winnipeg. I only have 5 scheduled shifts in June 😀 YESSSSS. Working Days/Nights is actually going well, I have figured out how to fuel my body appropriately without starving or over eating.

Running – Hasn’t been happening. I ran 2 miles 2 weeks ago and that was fine, I could have kept going but just didn’t have it in me. I wish I still loved running like I used to, but right now, I don’t. I won’t be running in the Woody’s Half Marathon, but I will likely volunteer (Lindsey or Becky – Want to Volunteer with me?!) Maybe as the weather continues to improve I will feel the desire to run again? Maybe not. In the mean time, I am sending my running vibes to Leigh, so that her knee can heal fully.

Matthias – For those of you that don’t know, Matthias works away 2 weeks and then is home for 1 week. He has done this since October and he has finally gotten a job back in Red Deer! We are SO excited because we can hopefully spend more time together and he can actually have a life and hobbies again as opposed to just recuperating on the 5.5 days he was home on his days off (the other 1.5 were spent traveling).

Dogs are good, Cats are good, Life is good :)

This is hard to write.

This is me coming clean.

This is me, making no more excuses.

This is me, saying I made bad decisions.

This is me, acknowledging to weight gain.

This is me, trying, trying so, so hard, not to be hard on myself for it.

This is me, trying, trying so, so hard, to be kind to myself, by making different choices.

This is me, changing my plan, refocusing on consistency, refocusing my commitment.

This is me scared. Scared that if I don’t change, I will end up back at 190lb.

This is me hopeful. Hopeful that I can re-focus on health, instead of weight loss.

This is me, acknowledging the life long struggle this is going to be, and getting ready to re-embrace that instead of running from it.

This is me, trying to not let a number define who I am.

143lb.

Inches:
Waist; 29
Hips; 38.5
Thigh; 24
Arm; 12
Chest; 36

This is me, not giving up, not starting again, but continuing the fight.

Inches : Weigh In : Commitment

Funny how I can pre-schedule a post, almost 2 weeks in advance, that I have been planning to write for months, and then have it all back fire in my face? Healthy Coping Skills. Vital to weight loss and weight maintenance. So what I have I done the last 2 weeks? Well eat my feelings of course.

I have probably eluded to the family stuff I have going on in the past. Between my biological mom and dad, my troubled sister, and everything in between, sometimes it gets to be “Too Much” for me to deal with.

That coupled with the fear and anxiety related to some health concerns (a low WBC count and not having a period since February).

I also just ended an eating rampage at a Nursing Conference. Holy Chocolate. So many desserts.

The thing about weight loss and weight maintenance is that you have to be consistent with your efforts. I definitely have not been.

I weighed in today at 134lb.

Here are my inches:

  • Waist; 28 (+0.5)
  • Hips; 38 (+0.5)
  • Chest; 36 (+0.5)
  • Thigh; 22.5 (-)
  • Arm; 12 (+0.75)

 Up in almost all of them.

So what now?

Well, a plan.

I call it Plan 125 :)

That’s the magic number.

More accountability, accurate tracking, continued activity.

My activity level has been good. My problem has been my eating. Time to crack down. I have a wedding dress I need to fit in to 😉

On Maintenance

So I have pretty well been in Maintenance for a full year now. Last summer I reached my “goal” of 128, then when I was injured I lost an additional 7ish pounds. I don’t think this was meant to happen ~ I lost muscle mass, strength, endurance. Yes I was tinier. Yes I fit size 2 pants. But so what? I was really cold, even through summer I couldn’t wear a T-shirt. I was also scared. So So So Scared that I would gain all the weight back. Of course I would be scared. I hadn’t intended on losing additional weight, I had no idea where the changes came from that would make me drastically drop it off in less than a month. I attribute it to an increase of cardio ~ some days up to 2 hours, and a lack of strength training. It was a plan that was bound to fail. Who can keep up that kind of activity and live on 1300 calories a day? Sure I could if I REALLY wanted to. But that meant saying no to all special occasions, meticulously calculating everything, every day, all day, and being weary of eating out. It was not pleasant, and I over indulged at times (ex. on the Weekends when I went camping) because I was in a place that I subconsciously knew I couldn’t stay at.

As school started and I returned to a more normal schedule the weight came back on. A little bit here, a little bit there. I was frantic about it. I was devastated. I reviewed what had changed since the summer and wondered how I could get back there.

Christmas came and went. My preceptorship came and went. I gained a little bit more (topping out at 133lb). I had to buy new pants *gasp* size 4’s. Some of the shirts that fit me better last summer are a wee to tight for comfort now, although I surely don’t look “fat” in them, I just like my clothes a little looser fitting. I began a strength training program (more on that later) and continued with a decent amount of cardio.

Wisdom teeth surgery meant a soft foods/liquid diet dropping me down to 128lb. The surgery knocked me out for a month ~ more endurance lost, but I finally felt normal again. I continued strength training, I felt stronger than ever, I could actually do real pushups. I ran another 1/2 marathon and a 10km run, killing past PR’s.

I slowly realized that I could trust myself to make healthy foods, and that if I stayed conscious and present in my choices I could turn down some treats and indulgently savor others. I realized that I don’t need a scale to keep close measurement of my progress, and the daily pull to step on it is no longer there. I realized that I could maintain what I am doing now, probably for the rest of my life, and that my body and mind feel truly healthy.

It’s not perfect, but I doubt it ever will be. I overdo it once in a while, but I generally savor these times and they are becoming farther and farther apart. I still eat dessert/something sweet. I honestly don’t think that will ever change. I still eat yogurt and cheese. I would really love to be a vegan but yogurt is just too delicious. I even taste a bite of the fish Matthias makes some times, and then quickly realize I really don’t like the taste of fish, hence why I gave it up in the first place.

I look back to my word of the year, Transition, and I feel it all around me. I am a nurse. I have graduated from university. I am working full time. I am moving to my own home. I am in a happy relationship that will progress to marriage over the next year and a bit. I am working on being a better runner. Things didn’t work out with my sister and I am learning to accept that. I feel more comfortable with the transitions that are happening more than ever.

I’m happy. I’m healthy. That is what matters.